13. What If the Same Thing Happens Again?
For those with challenging or traumatic birth experiences, this is a question that comes up over and over again. What if this birth turns out like the last?
There’s a lot to unpack here. “What if the same thing happens again” could mean:
you being treated the same way you were before (by your partner, by a provider, by a nurse)
the same sequence of events happening again (maybe you were induced before and it’s being recommended again)
the same feelings coming up for you again (feeling out of control, overwhelmed, scared, like a failure)
the same health outcome happening again (pelvic floor issues, baby in the NICU, serious postpartum complication)
the same challenges coming up again (trouble advocating for yourself, going into labor without having slept well beforehand)
The thing with birth trauma is that you know it can happen because you experienced it before. It’s no longer this nebulous fear, floating somewhere out there. It’s real. You live with it now. And you may be worried you’ll go through it again.
Sometimes even just trying to conceive again can bring up all these feelings. Oftentimes birthers may feel like they can’t enjoy or really “get into” their next pregnancies. Maybe you even wish you could fast-forward to see how this birth will go, so you can go back in time and prepare for that.
So how can you start feeling better right now when we can’t know what this birth will look like?
1. “You are not who you were.” These are therapist Krysta Dancy’s words about birth trauma, and they’re usually the first thing I say to people. You are not who you were back then. You have changed. You have grown. Even if the exact same thing happens again, it will be different because you are different. You will not experience it the same way. You will not respond the same way. You may make different decisions, or you may make the same decisions but they may feel different. You are not going to be right back where you were.
2. Process your trauma. I know it can hurt to open it all up, but if you feel like you’re able to, it’s so valuable to go through your experience again with a partner, trusted friend, mental health professional, or doula. Retell your story, feel all your feelings again, validate your experience. Show yourself loving kindness for everything you went through. Remind yourself that you did the best you could. You made it through everything that happened, and it’s okay to grieve the things you thought would happen but didn’t. You are seen.
3. Recognize how brave you are for choosing to go into the unknown of birth again. It can be incredibly difficult to know you are going to experience the unpredictable nature of birth another time. And yet you’ve chosen to. That says so much about your courage and resilience. You are braver than you think.
4. Recenter yourself in your experience. So many people tell me they feel like birth “happened” to them. Maybe you didn’t understand what was going on. Maybe others made decisions for you. Maybe you weren’t presented with all your options. Maybe you didn’t know what questions to ask. Remember that you are in charge during your birth. You get to make the decisions. Make sure to reframe this in your mind too. Let’s say you experienced a challenging induction last time. Instead of asking, “What if I’m induced again?” change it to, “If I choose to be induced again, what kind of support will I need?”
5. Speaking of support, surround yourself with a team dedicated to caring for you in the way that feels best to you. Your support team can be made up of providers, your partner, friends, a doula, family members. Choose your team members carefully, and have conversations with everyone outlining the specific support that would be most helpful.
6. Remember that every baby is different and every birth story is too. There are so many factors that go into birth: baby’s positioning before and during labor, your positioning, your coping skills, the tools you choose during labor, your mental state, your support team’s support of you, your provider’s care, your environment. All of these will affect your birth in some way. Each birth will be different, even if the provider, support people, and location are the same.
7. Start preparing for birth during pregnancy. Sometimes the antidote to worrying is planning and preparing. You can focus on the things you can control, and you can get started right now. Start with the above steps, and then grab my free guide to the skills you should be working on right now to better help you handle the unknowns of birth.