14. Getting Comfortable with Discomfort in Birth
It’s challenging to experience pain.
It’s challenging to watch someone you love go through pain.
And yet, pain is an inherent part of the process of birth.
(At least, I think this is true for most people. Some people who are really susceptible to hypnosis report pain-free births using the Hypnobirth and Hypnobabies techniques, but I would guess that many more people find those techniques (and others) great for bringing on deep relaxation in labor that lowers perception of pain rather than completely eliminating it.)
It’s okay for us to experience pain in birth. (Bridget Teyler had a great post recently on the difference between experiencing pain in birth and having a painful birth.) Pain is useful in birth by giving us clues as to how to move to make more space for baby. It’s part of the process.
As a doula, there’s a skill I’ve noticed in birthers who cope really well during labor, and that’s the ability to get comfortable with discomfort. At some point in labor, contractions become so intense that most people aren’t going to be chatting through them or breathing quietly. They’re going to be moaning, vocalizing, maybe even saying they can’t do it anymore. The people who are coping well eventually stop fighting these contractions and start leaning into them. This doesn’t mean they’re moving through them peacefully. It just means they’re dropping down into them, becoming a part of them, realizing that they’re not going away, and that the only way out is through (thanks, Robert Frost). This is especially true when someone is pushing unmedicated and experiencing that ring of fire. I’ve heard many providers coach birthers by saying, “Don’t run away from it,” and it’s stuck with me. To cope with the pain of labor, most people have to become that pain themselves.
As someone who supports birthers, it can be hard to watch my clients experience pain. When I first started, I would see clients in pain and start to almost panic myself. I’d feel like I needed to be doing more so that they wouldn’t be in so much pain. While there’s a lot of things we can do to help — especially when birthers leave the territory of pain and move into suffering, something I’m always aware of and proactive about, because that, in my opinion, can and should be avoided in birth — there’s also power in being with someone as they work through that pain. I also have to get comfortable with someone else’s discomfort. If we’re using the tools that the client wants, and if they’re not suffering, then my job is to stay right with them, witness their journey, and give them whatever I can to help them keep going. Sometimes this looks like the take charge routine Penny Simkin came up with. If I’ve got a client who’s starting to stray into suffering and panic, and we’re waiting on something that’s going to bring relief, maybe an epidural or maybe baby’s arrival, then I’m right there, inches in front of them, making eye contact, conducting their breathing, showing them I’m right by their side. I can’t make their pain go away, but I can coach them through it. I see them, and I’m not going anywhere.
Some people need that coaching. Some people need encouragement. Some people just need a witness. Whatever it is, I’m there to truly be in the space with them, supporting them through the discomfort.
I started thinking about how all this relates to partners too and asking about it in my prenatal meetings with clients. Some partners cope well with seeing their person in pain, whereas others have a harder time with it. Often, partners have a strong desire to help their person avoid pain and want to do exactly the same things I wanted to when just starting out to eliminate pain for their partner. It is hard to sit with someone in pain. It is hard to get comfortable with discomfort.
All this has made me think that partners should be practicing the same pain coping exercises that I give birthers as homework. They should be putting their hand in that bowl of ice water too, so they can learn to respond to pain with openness, softness, and release. If they practice experiencing it and responding ahead of time, maybe they will bring all that with them into the birth space, helping to support their partner through it all, but also with the ability to support themselves through the pain that is watching the one you love struggle through something hard. Because if they can take care of themselves through this experience, they’ll be better able to be truly supportive to their partners.