12. The Power of Asking Why
In keeping with what I explored last week about our minds and bodies being inextricably linked, I have a personal story for you.
When I was a freshman in high school, I joined the cross country team and ended up fracturing my shins in seven places. And not in the shin splint, just rest and ice it way. This was black lines on an x ray, use a wheelchair and then crutches for months way. I remember wanting to scream every time I rolled over in bed and my legs touched together. I would walk down the hallway at school and fight back tears from the excruciating pain of moving.
How exactly did this happen?
People liked to guess. Did you run off a roof? Get in a car accident? Fall during a race?
But the answer was simple: I kept running.
I started running right before I joined the team. I did summer practices. I did after school practices. I tried to hit the high end of the mileage range on every run. My legs started to hurt, and I kept running. I thought I could push past the pain. I tried not to wince. I took Advil all the time. I wanted to make varsity. I just kept running.
By the time I finally acknowledged something was wrong and had X rays taken, I had done serious damage.
Luckily, my mom got me good orthopedic care, and I got walking boots and a wheelchair and crutches. I eventually returned to running, and though I never felt quite the same after, I did go on to run several half marathons in my 20s.
You know what’s missing from this story though?
Somebody asking me, “why?”
Why did I run so hard in the first place? Why was I so committed to doing the maximum workout each time despite never running before in my life? Why didn’t I stop when I first felt pain? Why did I push myself past my (literal) breaking point? What made me think I had to keep going? What made me think it was expected or normal or okay to suffer through such excruciating pain?
If someone had asked me these questions, it could have revealed a lot about my sense of identity and the way I viewed worth and productivity and my body and being “enough.” It definitely could (should) have affected my plan of care. Because what I was feeling on the inside was a key part of what was going on on the outside.
At 15, I couldn’t realize that, but two decades later, I see it so clearly.
I bring this perspective into my work with clients and find it especially important in all things birth. I try to ask “why” as often as I can.
Why do these things matter to you in birth?
Why do you hope it goes this way?
Why do you really want to avoid this particular thing?
Why do you really like/not like certain providers?
Why does this thing really worry you?
I value the chance to go deeper with clients and learn more about what’s truly motivating them so that no matter what happens, I can still find ways to honor their deepest needs and priorities. What’s always surprising to me is how varied people’s “why”s can be to the same question. Ask people why they want an epidural and you’ll get a bunch of different answers. Ask others why they don’t and same thing. I try not to assume I know what someone’s motivations might be, even if they seem obvious. I do my best to approach things from a place of curiosity and ask questions.
Many times, this reveals something I’ve heard before. Other times, it reveals something I haven’t. And occasionally, it leads us somewhere much deeper that we probably wouldn’t have gotten to otherwise. It can also lead to really productive conversations where we’re able to explore what the pros and cons of different options might be in this particular pregnancy. I work with a lot of clients who have experienced more challenging births before, and if they’re open to it, it can be so important to untangle their past experience from their present one to determine their preferences and priorities going into this birth. In short, there is so much going on beneath the surface of people’s initial reactions and decisions, and to serve people deeply, I like to know all of the underneath things.
There’s such power in asking “why,” whether it’s with a support person or just asking yourself by doing some introspection. The better we understand ourselves and our unique motivations in birth, the better we’ll be able to create a birth environment and team that is truly supportive.