8. Picturing a Challenging Birth Experience
Last week, I wrote about imagining an ideal birth experience, and now we’re going to do the opposite.
Yikes, right?
The more I work with clients, the more I tweak our prenatal sessions based on what I’ve learned is going to be really helpful. I’ve always gone over preferences for Cesarean births with my planned vaginal birth clients, but I’ve recently added in reviewing their preferences on instrument-assisted deliveries. Forceps. Vacuum. Words that can spark fear into people who’ve never experienced an assisted delivery and possibly even (though not necessarily) trauma in those that have.
It can be scary to talk about these things, so why do we do it?
First, because picturing what you don’t want can be an important way to help you learn more about what you do want.
I don’t mean this in a flip way. I mean it in my typical Kate-Goodwin-going-deep way. It’s not as simple as “if I don’t want a vacuum-assisted delivery, that means that what I do want is a delivery without assistance.” It means getting to the why. Something like, “I’m afraid of a vacuum delivery because it will make me feel like my body wasn’t enough, or it will hurt my pelvic floor to the point where I might not physically recover, or what if it hurts my baby in a way I can’t predict or control.”
Now, I’m not saying these things are true or will happen. Your body is enough, no matter how you give birth. You can recover from an assisted delivery with lots of great support (pelvic floor pt!). Yes, sometimes birther or baby can get hurt in labor and birth, but this is really, really, really rare.
But let’s look at what the underlying fear is.
What if, despite what a lot of people say about our bodies being made to birth, mine isn’t enough. What if I’m not enough? What if I can’t get through the hard parts of labor?
What if birth changes me for the worse? What if I don’t go back to who I was?
What if something happens that’s outside of my control?
What if exploring these fears illuminates what we may actually need in labor?
What would help us to feel enough, physically, mentally, and emotionally?
What kinds of supports would allow us to step into the unknown transformation that is birth, knowing that no matter how it changes us, we also have the resources we need to get back to ourselves?
What do we need to embrace the unpredictability and uncertainty of the mystery of our birth journey?
I know, I know. All easier said than done. (Just ask my therapist.) But sometimes just putting the questions out there will allow the answers to come to us during our pregnancies.
The other reason I like to talk to my clients about scary things (and think you should think them over too) is to prepare for them. Emotionally, via the questions above, but also literally. There were several births I supported last year where a provider mentioned a vacuum at the very end of the labor when they were exhausted from pushing. In an ideal world (and let’s keep imagining one and working toward it), that is not the first time a birther should be hearing about that. We can’t make our best decisions when we’re bone tired and emotionally vulnerable. Thinking about tough situations ahead of time before labor even begins allows us to imagine how we would make those decisions in the moment — what factors we would take into consideration and how we might respond. The point is not to have all decisions made before labor starts. The point is to be familiar with the many things that could happen, the tools we have available to us, and in which situations we might want to use which tools.
Now that you know the why behind diving into potential birth challenges, let’s do it.
What’s keeping you up at night?
What’s the one thing you’re sure you couldn’t handle?
What “what if”s are loudest in your head? (e.g. “What if I can’t stand the pain?” “What if I’m told I have to induce?” “What if I can’t get an epidural?”)
Do you have a few things on your list? Pay attention to these because they are opportunities for growth!
We don’t have to have all the answers — not now, not before we go into labor. We can start to mull some of these situations over and see what comes to us. Is there anything we can work on now that could help if we find ourselves in any of these situations? Any conversations to have with our partner? Any supports we could put in place? Any questions we want to talk over with our provider ahead of time?
I saw this great post on Instagram the other day with a quote from Dr. Emily Anhalt: “The version of you that will handle that tough thing - if or when it happens - will be born into existence in that moment… trust your future self to handle future problems.” I think it beautifully applies here. Future you will be able to handle anything that comes. Now let’s get her ready!