7. Identifying Your Birth Priorities
You’re pregnant and you know you want to have a positive birth experience, but what does that even look like?
This is obviously deeply personal and is going to look different for everyone. Your personality, views on birth, past experiences (in life in general, with birth, and with the medical system) are all going to affect what a positive experience will look like for you.
Side note rant: This is why it irks me when people say, “I can’t believe someone would ever [BLANK]” when it comes to birth. Everyone comes into their birth experience with their own stories, and you may not understand the choices other people make because you may not understand the full context they’re living in. This is explored beautifully in Dr. Anne Drapkin Lyerly’s book, A Good Birth: “Remember that birth always occurs in the context of someone’s life. Women bring their lives to birth, their attachments and hopes. Decisions about and responses to birthing often reach beyond risk numbers, through which we doctors often sift, beyond clinical findings and markers of reassurance or concern” (247). Her second point, that research and numbers are not the end all be all of making decisions, is also both important and yet contrary to how we typically do things. A future blog post for sure!
So how can we tap into our intuition and figure out what Dr. Lyerly terms a “good birth” would look like to us? When I ask my clients this question, I get a whole range of responses. Some people have a couple ideas, and other people have a whole sequence of events they’re imagining. I think the more detailed we can get, the better. Not because our birth will play out in the exact way we’ve pictured, but because behind each piece of our ideal birth lies an important emotional need or priority.
I love brainstorming in longhand, so you may want to go old school and grab a pencil and a piece of paper for this exercise. Then take a minute, close your eyes if you want, and try to picture your birth going amazingly. If you already have a vivid image in your mind, start jotting down what you see. If not, work through each of these questions. Remember, anything goes. It doesn’t have to be “realistic,” though I would argue that oftentimes our big wishes are!
Where are you? For most people, this is going to be a hospital as over 98% of U.S. births occur there. Even if you are planning a hospital birth, is there anywhere else you wish you could give birth? Get specific. If it’s at home, which room? If it’s in nature, where exactly? If you are planning a community birth, where will it be? A birth center? Your home?
Where and when do you go into labor? Of course, we can’t know this ahead of time, but I think exploring the why behind our ideal is valuable. Do you hope you’re doing your regular thing at home? Somehow already at the hospital? Are you 40 weeks? Earlier? Later?
When do you get to your birth location (assuming you’re going to a hospital or birth center)? For some people, they want to have time to get settled in their space. Others might want to come in hot, ready to push out a baby.
Who is there? Your partner? Doula? Best friend? Family member? Caring nurse? Favorite provider? Also important, who is not there? Maybe that’s your mom or mother-in-law. A pushy friend. Your least favorite provider.
What are your support people doing? Feeding you grapes? Cheering you on through every contraction? Standing quietly in the corner? Distracting you? Helping you focus?
How do you feel? Relaxed and comfortable? In control? Calm? Out of control, surrendered completely to your body? Excited? Focused? Empowered?
Again, the point of all this is not to plan out some “perfect” birth that isn’t achievable in reality. It’s to identify what’s important to you and why those things are important. The deeper you dig into what makes up your positive birth experience, the more you can prepare and plan for it. You can pick your providers intentionally, prep your mind and body, and practice coping strategies with your support people. You can adjust things that feel out of whack and lean into the things that feel right. You can do all of this work before you ever go into labor, so you can stop stressing and anxiety spiraling during your pregnancy and actually enjoy it.