23. Build Trust in Yourself for Birth
Self-trust is one of the most important skills you can have in birth (and life!).
Tangent: have you noticed that the skills that prepare you to confidently navigate birth are the same ones that support you in confidently navigating life? That’s why I think good birth prep is about so much more than just learning what happens in birth. To be truly prepared, you’ve got to dive deep into yourself, what you believe about birth, and what you believe about your own ability to handle challenges and uncertainty. Okay, end of tangent. For now.
So what is self-trust?
First, let’s go into what it’s not.
It doesn’t mean having all of the answers.
It doesn’t mean trusting your body to birth “perfectly.”
It doesn’t mean not listening to the advice, suggestions, or recommendations of others.
It just means tuning into yourself and having deep trust in yourself to make decisions, respond to challenges, and be present for whatever unfolds.
In birth.
And of course…
In life!
But why is it so hard to do this in birth specifically?
I hear it a lot from clients: they want to “leave things to the experts.” But here’s the thing. In birth, you are the expert. Birth is happening in your body. You are the one going through the experience. I’ve seen it enough times to know that birthers have gut instincts about themselves and their babies, and they should always be listened to.
In our culture, birth can feel scary, and there’s this temptation to let the experts handle it as a way to avoid anxiety about the process. If you think, “I’ll just leave everything to my healthcare provider,” then you don’t have to prepare and feel worried, and you also don’t have to take responsibility for navigating the process. For a lot of people, that can feel safer at first.
But if you want a deeply meaningful birth, that starts with putting yourself at the center of it. With daring to think, what do I want this experience to feel like? What am I worried about? How do I want to make decisions? What will I do if things feel hard?
You are birth, and your birth experience will be infinitely better if you center yourself in it.
Working on your relationship with yourself is something that takes time, so let’s dive into some small steps you can take right now to start that work.
tune into yourself in moments of discomfort: So often we push away feelings of anxiety, restlessness, or overwhelm. But what if you leaned into these feelings instead? What if you paused and, instead of moving away from them, you examined them more closely? How do you physically feel in these moments? How do you feel mentally? And what do you think you need? Maybe it’s some time in silence, with no one talking to you or trying to get your attention. Or a walk outside for five minutes. A snack. Some water. Practice listening to your mind and body and then giving them what they’re asking for.
when faced with decisions, identify any gut feelings: Start with small decisions, like what you want for lunch or which playground you’re taking the kids to after pickup. Build a habit of checking in with your gut, and then start applying it to larger decisions.
rewrite negative self thoughts: Notice the thoughts you have about yourself when you face setbacks or challenges. Are they overly critical (e.g. “I should have known this was going to happen,” or “I always have a hard time with XYZ.”)? Can you intentionally replace them with growth statements, like “I’m still learning how to do this,” or “I’m going to try to be flexible even though it’s hard”?
make a list of qualities you like about yourself: What your best friend say about you? Are you compassionate, kind, brave, funny, clever, resilient, resourceful, optimistic?
It’s a beautiful cycle. The more you build trust in yourself, the more you listen to your mind and body and are kind to yourself, the more you’re able to show up for yourself. When you practice this on a daily basis, you’ll increase your capacity for inner resourcefulness during moments of stress and intensity.
And that, my friends, is one the greatest skills you can take with you into birth.