3. The Top Two Mistakes People Make When Preparing for Birth
There are a zillion different ways to prepare for birth, and there’s no one approach that’s going to be best for everyone. However, there are two big ways I see people start to prepare that make me worry they’re setting themselves up for a challenging birth experience:
having no expectations
having one set of very specific expectations
Let’s dive into why people commonly prepare in these ways, how they can set you up for a tough time, and what to do instead.
Having No Expectations
I hear it all the time: “Birth is unpredictable.” (It is.)
“When you go into labor, your birth plan just goes out the window.” (Depends on what you mean by “birth plan”).
“You can’t plan for birth.” (Absolutely false.)
I think this preparation method comes from a desire to avoid disappointment. We know that we can’t control exactly what our birth looks like, so we decide it’s best to give up on any sort of expectations. We’re going to *go with the flow.* We’re going to be *flexible.* Open to *whatever comes.* While resilience and flexibility are important when preparing for birth, you still need a solid foundation.
Time for a weird metaphor. Remember my cargo ship one? Let’s stick with the maritime theme.
Imagine you’re a buoy. You’re a bright happy red color, just floating in the saltwater, enjoying yourself.
The ocean’s got waves though, so those push you around. Plus there’s the current. You might not even notice it at first, but look up after a while and you’ll find yourself in Bermuda.
The problem with having no expectations is that you’re going wherever the current is sending you. This gets into one of my core beliefs and something I hear all the time from clients because they’re either worried about it or they’ve experienced it before: birth shouldn’t be something that happens to you. While we can’t know exactly what’s going to happen in your birth, we can have some baseline expectations — a tether for that buoy. The buoy will still drift around. That is the nature of birth. But establishing that tether can help you have a good birth experience by ensuring that your core values are honored, no matter what happens.
When people tell me they’re going into birth with no expectations, I usually have two thoughts. One, maybe they actually do know what they want, but they’re afraid they may not get it for some reason. If that’s the case, I like to dig in and find out more about previous birth experiences, previous medical experiences, etc. Two, maybe they truly don’t know what’s important to them, in which case the answer is (again), let’s go deeper. It’s usually some combination of learning more about themselves, birth, and the hospital system that leads them to discovering their priorities.
Now let’s move to the other end of the spectrum when it comes to birth preparation.
Having One Set of Very Specific Expectations
I’ve found this approach to be more common in people who have experienced challenging or traumatic births before. This time around, they may know exactly what they want.
Enter that happy red buoy again. Only this time, instead of floating off to Bermuda, it’s got a short rope anchoring it to the ocean floor. It can drift a little bit in every direction, but not much. So what happens when we get waves and a current? The buoy gets pummeled, or worse, that rope snaps.
When birthers have very specific expectations, it can be helpful to look at their fears. Sometimes we develop those specific expectations to protect us from something larger. Maybe we had a provider who didn’t listen to us before. Maybe we felt coerced or forced into making a quick decision. When we ask ourselves why we want something, it gives us a chance to look at the actual fear and need behind it and make a plan for that. So maybe a set idea of what our birth will look like becomes more of a plan about how we will move through birth, no matter what comes.
When we prepare for birth by attaching a nice, medium-length tether to our buoy, we give room for our birth to look however it will look while also making sure it’s firmly rooted in the things that are most important to us. I think that’s a beautiful balance to strive for in something as personal, significant, and yes, unpredictable, as birth.